Emotions Pt. 2 -- Trigger Happy

I've also learned from reading Ekman's book Emotions Revealed that the events of your past can determine how easily various emotions are triggered within a person.

Such a notion may sound like a no-brainer, but the implications can be quite powerful.

Consider this idea: when a person's emotional triggers have become sensitive due to exposure to certain situations or traumas, anything remotely similar to those events can cause very strong emotions.

For instance, a person who was bullied constantly may hold constant restrained anger at those who impose themselves. When an adult, that same person can become just as angry at some being mildly pushy or bossy. This anger often comes across as an overreaction to others. Whereas the person who has become emotional feels justified.

Here's perhaps the most important information found in Ekman's book.

An abused person will have very sensitive emotions for anything that brings back memories related to abuse. So, if the abused still harbors fear, anger, or guilt, those emotions will surface very quickly and strongly.

Learning this, I have found it easier to diffuse tense situations with people that I see from day to day. Now, I don't look at my wife as a hysterical, overreacting female pumping too much estrogen. Now, I see that she simply has a very sensitive trigger over certain issues because of events from her past. She is overreacting. But not because she's unreasonable or has too much estrogen. She's overreacting because she was injured by some similar event.

Same thing happens with me. I have my sensitive triggers, too. Perhaps not as many since I've had a happier childhood than my wife.

Be that as it may . . . now it's time that we take this knowledge and use it for our advantage.

Learn where your sensitive triggers are. Count to ten or 20 before you speak if you've noticed that you're getting emotional. Especially if the emotion is anger. Anger can be justified and is many times quite necessary. But unchecked anger can cause another sour feeling-- regret.

Learn your loved ones' sensitive triggers-- but, not to exploit them. Rather, learn this so that you'll know when to back down and give them a minute to vent. You'll know that it's a moment when you shouldn't take their emotions too personal if you know a sensitive trigger has been set off. Still take them seriously, but don't take things so personal. An emotion usually fades from a few seconds to a few minutes in most cases, unless you or someone else adds fuel to the flame.

Learning the expressions on people's faces is very helpful, but again, isn't the ultimate goal of the book. This book will not turn you into some covert FBI agent so that you can tell when people are lying by the way they dart their eyes.

But it can help you better understand what people are going through. And this understanding can help you know when to console, encourage, or get ready to move out the fucking way!